I had an epiphany recently...
...but in order to be able to understand that, you need to know the background story. A lot of this is pretty Christian sounding, however I am no longer a Christian. But, since I was for most of my life, and because I minored in New Testament Literature in college, it is just easier for me to speak about God in Christian terminology.
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Luke 18.16-17: "But Jesus called for them and said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs. Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it.'" I take that passage very seriously. In fact, it is one of the tenets of my life. I believe what Jesus is referring to here is the present. The "kingdom of God" is not heaven, it is now. It is the relationship with God through Christ that humans have now. We no longer need to live in the broken relationship with God because of our sin, constantly burdened by our nature and needing to sacrifice over and over and over again to receive forgiveness. Through Christ, we are already forgiven, the relationship is healed. Now we can relish in just living. No more burdens, just receive the benefits God has given us.
Now as far as the children go, children are very innocent and very trusting. They naturally see wonder and beauty in everything. They experience life full of emotion. They laugh freely when they are happy, they cry freely when they are hurt. Their hearts and minds are open, because they haven't yet learned how to be cold-hearted or discouraged with the world. I believe what Jesus is saying here is that we need to receive the kingdom of God in this way: with no prejudices, with endless trust, with innocence, with no walls around our heart. Not "childishly" but as a child. Then we receive the gifts of the kingdom, the freedom to live. The more we are receptive to God as a child, the more "life" we receive, the more benefits of the kingdom we experience.
It is for this reason that I chose to live my life the way I do. I see everything through the rational, the emotional and the physical parts of the human experience. I take everything as far as possible rationally, but I also take everything as far as possible emotionally, because I believe that is being the child that receives the kingdom of God. (Taking everything as far as possible physically is a conversation for another time). I see reason as a gift of adulthood, but emotion is the gift of childhood. Therefore, I pour my emotions into everything that I do, because I believe I have so incredibly much to gain from the experience. I don't do it perfectly. I make mistakes, and I "feel" things too far at times. I know I trust people too far and too often, I have been known to let my anger get the best of me, I wear my heart on my shirtsleeve. And life isn't always fair. Sometimes life bites me in the ass, and when it does I cry like a child, most of the time on the inside but sometimes on the outside. But when life is good, NO-ONE has more fun than me. I can use my adult reasoning to steer my child into healthier situations to avoid pain and experience joy, but in either case I strive to be 100% present in the moment. To quote Thorough, I live deliberately, I live deep and I strive to suck out all the marrow of life. To quote Dead Poets Society, I seize the day and strive to make my life extraordinary. I hope to experience the most fullness that we can get out of our measly ~70 years of the 16 billion years of God's creation. Jesus also said, "Seek, and you shall find." I seek out joy in all things, inspiration in all things, peace in all things. You might say I seek out God in all things, if it is joy, inspiration and peace that defines God. All paths don't lead there, but I am seeking, therefore I will find, and therefore I do find.
I don't consider myself a skeptic (at least when it comes to God). To me, a skeptic is a not-quite-as-arrogant atheist. They always look for the trick, they try to expose deception. They explicitly act to prove "that's not true" and they stop there. I, on the other hand, do not look to invalidate a worldview by exposing the illogical holes. I look to expose the holes which allow more Truth to come through. C.S. Lewis explains it this way: if you take the moral codes of all the civilizations of the world and stack them on top of one another, whatever moral code drips out the bottom of all those filters IS God's moral code for us. I look at it the same way. I believe God/Truth is not something to be discovered like it's hidden under a rock somewhere. Rather I see God/Truth as the sun, and we're wearing really, really good sunglasses that filter out the light. The deeper our understanding of God, the weaker we make our sunglasses and the more light comes through. Like this: 1 Corinthians 13.12: "For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully." I don't want to block God out like sunglasses block out the sun. I want to find the sunglasses that let the most God shine through. Or, ideally, I strive to wear no sunglasses at all and see Him face to face.
Just because I don't proactively model my life after Christ, because I am not a Christian, doesn't mean I don't see the value in it. And I don't mean "acting" the life of Christ in a "salvation by acts" sort of way. I mean living life through Christ: living, being, existing, in unity with God. Put it this way: let's assume that everything Christians believe about God Himself is true: all-loving, all-knowing, proactively-involved, etc. Through Christ, we have full access to God. None of God's gifts or character is withheld from us, and God shares it freely and fully. THAT is what I strive for in life, what I thirst for, what I yearn for. As the gospel song goes:
As the deer pants for the water
So my soul longs after you
You alone are my heart's desire
And I long to worship you
You alone are my strength, my shield
To you alone will my spirit yield
You alone are my heart's desire
And I long to worship you
I am like tearing up even as I type that. But that's really it in a nutshell. God/Truth/Whatever is "my heart's desire", that for which "my soul longs", that to which "alone will my spirit yield", that which I "long to worship". I may use my reason to seek out God in a non-Christian framework, but when I find God, and my sunglasses get a little weaker, I can "feel" Him. I don't logically discern that I am pleasing God with my search, but I am touched by Him because I've gotten one step closer to Him as He truly is, as seeing Him less dimly in a mirror and more face to face. God doesn't reach out to us because we follow a particular religion and therefore He extends His hand. God reaches out by His very nature, as the sun shines light by its nature. Walking out of the shade into the sun has a particular feeling, whether you "logically determine" the sun to be a deity, a giant lightbulb or a huge cosmic ball of burning gases. So does God warm those who seek Him, regardless of how we understand Him with our reasoning. Again, "seek, and you shall find." He knows I am seeking Him.
You may find this part annoying to read and filled with my analytical thinking, but this is what I believe, and you need to understand it in order for anything else in this email to make sense. Here is my definition of God:
It is the convergence of rational thought and emotional feeling. When they no longer fight with the other, rather they act in unison, and the Truth to which they are both aspiring is "God". It is the point at which the emotional makes logical sense. THAT to me IS God. That is what to which I prayed, to which I gave praise, and to which I connected in my most religious, spiritual days. That is the Thing I first met when I had my "born again" moment, when the sunglasses broke and I saw Truth face to face. I understood and related to Him through Christianity when we first met, but that is how I understand God now.
I have come to a point where I see no logical evidence for God's existence, therefore I cannot place any reasonable faith and "belief" in the idea that He exists. His existence does not make any logic sense. But with my emotions, my heart, it does make sense. I already know His existence to be true. I've met Him. We've shared. He has given to me and touched me several times. He already makes sense, even if pure logic will never allow for Him. That is my dichotomy: I can never only think my way to Truth, because God will never be there. I can never only feel my way to Truth, because I will never understand there. They only meet AT God.
So now my story. I haven't been in my Dead Poets Society attitude - this whole "see the wonders of life" thing - for a long time. I've talked a good game, but I haven't been living it and feeling it for a long time. But recent events got me thinking about it again, and it really hit home for me Saturday. I was quoting the movie to myself all day. So Saturday night I was chilling in my attic (my sanctuary), and I started thinking about how long it has really been since I was focused on this mentality, and I started putting dates together in my head. And I realized it stopped around the time I got together with my soon-to-be-ex-wife. Something hit me, and I can only describe it as - God touched me.
It was like He said, "Ha yeah, dummy, what did you think happened!? Where do think I went? I never stopped reaching out to you. YOU stopped reaching out for ME!" Because I was not thinking with my head and feeling with my emotions turned to God, I lost Him. I lost my focus and I lost my attitude, because I struggled so hard with my soon-to-be-ex-wife. The struggle became my focus. I continued reasoning after Truth, but my emotions turned to focus on all the pain, aggravation and stress, and I stopped feeling after Truth, after God. I fell short of the mark - I sinned, because I turned my eyes from God. And I just started crying, because I was sorry. I was sorry to God for having gotten distracted and losing my way. And I made my apology to God. And He's forgiven me.
-----
Luke 18.16-17: "But Jesus called for them and said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs. Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it.'" I take that passage very seriously. In fact, it is one of the tenets of my life. I believe what Jesus is referring to here is the present. The "kingdom of God" is not heaven, it is now. It is the relationship with God through Christ that humans have now. We no longer need to live in the broken relationship with God because of our sin, constantly burdened by our nature and needing to sacrifice over and over and over again to receive forgiveness. Through Christ, we are already forgiven, the relationship is healed. Now we can relish in just living. No more burdens, just receive the benefits God has given us.
Now as far as the children go, children are very innocent and very trusting. They naturally see wonder and beauty in everything. They experience life full of emotion. They laugh freely when they are happy, they cry freely when they are hurt. Their hearts and minds are open, because they haven't yet learned how to be cold-hearted or discouraged with the world. I believe what Jesus is saying here is that we need to receive the kingdom of God in this way: with no prejudices, with endless trust, with innocence, with no walls around our heart. Not "childishly" but as a child. Then we receive the gifts of the kingdom, the freedom to live. The more we are receptive to God as a child, the more "life" we receive, the more benefits of the kingdom we experience.
It is for this reason that I chose to live my life the way I do. I see everything through the rational, the emotional and the physical parts of the human experience. I take everything as far as possible rationally, but I also take everything as far as possible emotionally, because I believe that is being the child that receives the kingdom of God. (Taking everything as far as possible physically is a conversation for another time). I see reason as a gift of adulthood, but emotion is the gift of childhood. Therefore, I pour my emotions into everything that I do, because I believe I have so incredibly much to gain from the experience. I don't do it perfectly. I make mistakes, and I "feel" things too far at times. I know I trust people too far and too often, I have been known to let my anger get the best of me, I wear my heart on my shirtsleeve. And life isn't always fair. Sometimes life bites me in the ass, and when it does I cry like a child, most of the time on the inside but sometimes on the outside. But when life is good, NO-ONE has more fun than me. I can use my adult reasoning to steer my child into healthier situations to avoid pain and experience joy, but in either case I strive to be 100% present in the moment. To quote Thorough, I live deliberately, I live deep and I strive to suck out all the marrow of life. To quote Dead Poets Society, I seize the day and strive to make my life extraordinary. I hope to experience the most fullness that we can get out of our measly ~70 years of the 16 billion years of God's creation. Jesus also said, "Seek, and you shall find." I seek out joy in all things, inspiration in all things, peace in all things. You might say I seek out God in all things, if it is joy, inspiration and peace that defines God. All paths don't lead there, but I am seeking, therefore I will find, and therefore I do find.
I don't consider myself a skeptic (at least when it comes to God). To me, a skeptic is a not-quite-as-arrogant atheist. They always look for the trick, they try to expose deception. They explicitly act to prove "that's not true" and they stop there. I, on the other hand, do not look to invalidate a worldview by exposing the illogical holes. I look to expose the holes which allow more Truth to come through. C.S. Lewis explains it this way: if you take the moral codes of all the civilizations of the world and stack them on top of one another, whatever moral code drips out the bottom of all those filters IS God's moral code for us. I look at it the same way. I believe God/Truth is not something to be discovered like it's hidden under a rock somewhere. Rather I see God/Truth as the sun, and we're wearing really, really good sunglasses that filter out the light. The deeper our understanding of God, the weaker we make our sunglasses and the more light comes through. Like this: 1 Corinthians 13.12: "For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully." I don't want to block God out like sunglasses block out the sun. I want to find the sunglasses that let the most God shine through. Or, ideally, I strive to wear no sunglasses at all and see Him face to face.
Just because I don't proactively model my life after Christ, because I am not a Christian, doesn't mean I don't see the value in it. And I don't mean "acting" the life of Christ in a "salvation by acts" sort of way. I mean living life through Christ: living, being, existing, in unity with God. Put it this way: let's assume that everything Christians believe about God Himself is true: all-loving, all-knowing, proactively-involved, etc. Through Christ, we have full access to God. None of God's gifts or character is withheld from us, and God shares it freely and fully. THAT is what I strive for in life, what I thirst for, what I yearn for. As the gospel song goes:
As the deer pants for the water
So my soul longs after you
You alone are my heart's desire
And I long to worship you
You alone are my strength, my shield
To you alone will my spirit yield
You alone are my heart's desire
And I long to worship you
I am like tearing up even as I type that. But that's really it in a nutshell. God/Truth/Whatever is "my heart's desire", that for which "my soul longs", that to which "alone will my spirit yield", that which I "long to worship". I may use my reason to seek out God in a non-Christian framework, but when I find God, and my sunglasses get a little weaker, I can "feel" Him. I don't logically discern that I am pleasing God with my search, but I am touched by Him because I've gotten one step closer to Him as He truly is, as seeing Him less dimly in a mirror and more face to face. God doesn't reach out to us because we follow a particular religion and therefore He extends His hand. God reaches out by His very nature, as the sun shines light by its nature. Walking out of the shade into the sun has a particular feeling, whether you "logically determine" the sun to be a deity, a giant lightbulb or a huge cosmic ball of burning gases. So does God warm those who seek Him, regardless of how we understand Him with our reasoning. Again, "seek, and you shall find." He knows I am seeking Him.
You may find this part annoying to read and filled with my analytical thinking, but this is what I believe, and you need to understand it in order for anything else in this email to make sense. Here is my definition of God:
It is the convergence of rational thought and emotional feeling. When they no longer fight with the other, rather they act in unison, and the Truth to which they are both aspiring is "God". It is the point at which the emotional makes logical sense. THAT to me IS God. That is what to which I prayed, to which I gave praise, and to which I connected in my most religious, spiritual days. That is the Thing I first met when I had my "born again" moment, when the sunglasses broke and I saw Truth face to face. I understood and related to Him through Christianity when we first met, but that is how I understand God now.
I have come to a point where I see no logical evidence for God's existence, therefore I cannot place any reasonable faith and "belief" in the idea that He exists. His existence does not make any logic sense. But with my emotions, my heart, it does make sense. I already know His existence to be true. I've met Him. We've shared. He has given to me and touched me several times. He already makes sense, even if pure logic will never allow for Him. That is my dichotomy: I can never only think my way to Truth, because God will never be there. I can never only feel my way to Truth, because I will never understand there. They only meet AT God.
So now my story. I haven't been in my Dead Poets Society attitude - this whole "see the wonders of life" thing - for a long time. I've talked a good game, but I haven't been living it and feeling it for a long time. But recent events got me thinking about it again, and it really hit home for me Saturday. I was quoting the movie to myself all day. So Saturday night I was chilling in my attic (my sanctuary), and I started thinking about how long it has really been since I was focused on this mentality, and I started putting dates together in my head. And I realized it stopped around the time I got together with my soon-to-be-ex-wife. Something hit me, and I can only describe it as - God touched me.
It was like He said, "Ha yeah, dummy, what did you think happened!? Where do think I went? I never stopped reaching out to you. YOU stopped reaching out for ME!" Because I was not thinking with my head and feeling with my emotions turned to God, I lost Him. I lost my focus and I lost my attitude, because I struggled so hard with my soon-to-be-ex-wife. The struggle became my focus. I continued reasoning after Truth, but my emotions turned to focus on all the pain, aggravation and stress, and I stopped feeling after Truth, after God. I fell short of the mark - I sinned, because I turned my eyes from God. And I just started crying, because I was sorry. I was sorry to God for having gotten distracted and losing my way. And I made my apology to God. And He's forgiven me.
Hi there, it's Beth (or "godsgirl123 from POF) Well, WOW!!! First of all, let me say that I am impressed that you ARE most certainly engaged in the pursuit of Truth. It never ceases to amaze me how many people are apathetic or unwilling to learn more, grow more or have an open dialog about things of Spiritual matter. After all what could possibly be more important and or relevant, right???!!!
ReplyDeleteThere are several areas of the content of your epiphany that I would like to comment on.
First of all, the tricky thing (as you have obviously felt, thought and experienced yourself, and as I have also) about "Christianity" is this: that most people think of it as a religion, but that in reality all religion is man-made and therefore flawed and in the TRUE sense of the word it actually means "Follower of Christ". Now, having said that, this is where most people will have a very difficult time because you have to put aside ALL denomination (I.E. "religious" dogma) you've been taught by various churches (Catholic, Episcopalian, Lutheran, Methodist, ...blah..blah...whatever) and take the Bible alone, and try to discern whether or not it is a reliable source FIRST. From my research, the best evidence I have found in support of this has been two sources: C.S. Lewis's "Mere Christianity" and Lee Stroebel's "A Case for Christ". Are you familiar with Lee Stroebel? (I know you are familiar with C.S. Lewis already as you have quoted him. He was such a BRILLANT man!! I so wish I could've know him and ate and talked with him!!!) Anyway...I have found many sources that argue against the Bible being a valid source, but upon closer inspection none of them hold up. Based on then, the reliable/belivable argument that the Bible is, in fact reliable the next question is who is Jesus?
In the scriptures Jesus makes it clear who He is: He is God, He is part of God, He is the one and ONLY BEGOTTEN son of God (we are all sons and daughters of God because He/It created us..but Jesus is the only BEGOTTEN son..that is created through immaculate conception, actually conceived by the Holy Spirit..which is an ASPECT of God) This is the part that irritates me I'm afraid, is when people claim to have respect for or to believe that Jesus was somehow a "good teacher" or a "prophet" but NOT who he claimed to be..The Messiah. Jesus was clear about who He claimed to be, therefore we are left with 3 choices: 1) He is a liar 2) He is crazy and just THINKS He is God (plenty of crazy people have!!) or 3) He is who he says He is. He cannot however be "a prophet:" or a "good teacher" and at the same time NOT who He claimed to be because a good teacher/prophet is not a liar or a crazy person. They simply tell the Truth in Wisdom. To me, through both logic (ie. my research as in Lee Stroebels' work, C.S. Lewis's work and others...like "Darwin's Black Box") and emotional Truth/experience...(among many including 2 separate near-death experiences) I believe that the Truth is that Jesus is in fact who He claimed to be : The Messiah that was prophesied in the O.T.)
I agree completely with your assessment of being "childlike" but not childish and what it means to be so!
ReplyDeleteI disagree that "Joy, Insipration and Peace define God". Inspiration is not anything mentioned in the Bible and while Joy and Peace are Fruits of the Spirit: they are PART of the evidence that the Spirit dwells within you..they are not the definition of WHO God is.Leaving Inspiration out of the equation (just for arguments sake) let's just take the other two. If God is only Joy and Peace, then who or where do we find Righteousness in/from?? What about Love?
I agree with you fully that all paths do not lead to God, and that God doesn't reach out to us because we follow a particular religion. We are all God's children and it is written that "it is His will that not one soul shall be lost". I also agree that God does not move away from us, but that we are easily distracted and replace our search for Truth/Him/It with a focus on someone/thing else. I would also agree that "If Ye Seek Ye Shall Find" and that God does in fact know that YOU & I are in fact seekers and therefore we WILL find..and find...and find.... and lastly..I really love your analogy of God as the Sun and we are wearing very dark sunglasses!
This has been a most interesting read..although I'm not in agreement with your conclusion about Christianity. : ) Keep seeking!!! : ) and may God (whom/whatever "He"/ "It" Is) bless you richly!!! ~ Beth+
nfp00zch
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